Author Archives: Jane

Jane Reynolds's Weekly Blog – 1st December 2013

IMG 2489 Jane Reynoldss Weekly Blog   1st December 2013My posts now start with a 'Sunset Over Swindon' (formerly SunRISE Over Swindon'!), and here's a great one from one day last week (I forget which day; one of seven, that's all I can remember!).

My neighbours in the two houses to the left put artificial/illuminated Christmas trees up yesterday. It was very exciting to see them when I got home last night (yes, my life IS that dull!) and I'll be taking a photo when it gets dark later, for inclusion next week.

I know; it's SO exciting, isn't it? (!)

My two brothers, their partners and I went to a memorial carol service at the Hospice yesterday afternoon to remember our father who'd died in March. It was just getting dark when they switched the lights on and lit lanterns around the enormous tree.

There wasn't much singing from the 400-or-so people there as I guess they were all feeling as choked as I was so it was left to the band and the choir to sing for us. It WOULD have been a really moving and memorable moment, but was completely ruined by one solitary angry, screaming child whose mother didn't have the respect for the rest of us to simply stick it (I call it 'it' simply because I couldn't tell whether it was a boy or a girl) in its pushchair and walk up the road and away from the service.

 Jane Reynoldss Weekly Blog   1st December 2013Maybe it's just my generation (and the generation older than myself who were there and clearly upset by it too), but I really struggle to understand HOW that woman had the brass neck to stand there for the half hour or so that it was wailing. I'd have cringed with embarrassment the second it opened its mouth and would have left immediately.

Never mind. We went for a meal afterwards and had a nice evening together, but none of us are looking forward to Christmas this year. Next year will be better, but he got very sick at this time last year and there's going to be a lot of sad recollections over the next few months. It's nothing that every single person alive doesn't have to cope with at some point though, so we've just got to get on with it. Pffft. Life, aye?

Anyway; less of all that maudlin stuff. I'm having a meeting re the site upgrade on Thursday morning and hope it'll be done by Christmas. What WON'T be done is my tax return.

Oh, dear. I even had an email from my accountant last week, 'reminding' me. As if I didn't already think about it a hundred times a day! I've GOT to get it done, and know for certain that I won't be in this position at this time NEXT year.

There just aren't enough hours in the day, and as I look at the clock I see that it's now way past the time when I need to be getting ready to go out, so I'd better say toodlepip for today.

Where you can read/hear me:

I'm very pleased to be writing for Yahoo!TV, and here's my latest posts with them: 'What we learned from the Soaps this weekand 'The best of the week's one-liners''What we learned from the Soaps' is original content and is unrelated to my Soapy Corners, so if you'd like to learn a few (completely UN) important (and humorous) handy hints and tips, go and take a look!

My live, lighthearted internet Soap review will be on Tellyspy (Twitter: @Tellyspy) between 6.00 and 6.30 pm on Thursday and I'll also be doing my usual half hour Soapy chat on The Big Mid-Morning Show on Thursday morning on Swindon 105.5 FM.

PS There's a competition in Corrie Corner to win the Special Edition Gary Barlow/Meerkat CD.

A feast of Charity at her fiesty and funny best

Emmerdale Christmas logo A feast of Charity at her fiesty and funny bestYou can hear me talking Soaps 10.30-11.00 am every Thursday on Swindon 1055.com (or simply use the tunein Radio App) and on my internet Soap Show 6.00-6.30 every Thursday on Tellyspy.

Charity's tongue bulldozes its way through the village and Jai's on very thin ice – literally!

Charity Emmerdale1 A feast of Charity at her fiesty and funny bestChristmas came early for me this week with a feast of Charity at her fiesty and funny best as she spent the week tongue-lashing Jai. She was particularly cross when she saw Noah with him at the factory.

Jai explained that he'd just been telling Noah the truth about Rachel. It wasn't well received. "Oh, you know, the time for telling the truth was when you knocked-up scrapy face," she ranted.

Baby Archie came in for his share too. "Do you know; the kid's probably really frustrated because he's that desperate for his first little tracksuit and doesn't know how to say it," she raged on.

Great stuff, and it looked as if Christmas had come early to Emmerdale too – well, winter at least. We all know it's colder 'Up North', but that snow scene and frozen pond were a bit of a surprise to see in late November. Jai stupidly went out onto the ice (don't try this at home, kids).

"If you want me back on that jetty, admit there's something between us," he urged Charity.

"Yes … Archie," she shouted back, before seeing him suddenly go straight through the ice

Megan A feast of Charity at her fiesty and funny bestAt least he got the ring back. He could see if (less hairy this week) David wants to buy it off him maybe, and maybe David could lend Robbie his razor too. That fluff under his chin is very distracting, as was Megan's chest when she set off to use her womanly wiles on Gil. Did Moira helped her dress for the occasion?

It clearly worked – or it looked as if it had – as he told her he' wanted' her … to work for him. Ah. Not what I wanted to hear, but it's a step in the right direction.

After finally losing the plot and lashing out at Megan I really feel that it's the end of the line for Deccers. Let's just have Gil buy him out, move into Home Farm himself and then marry Megan. That's what we want to see, please!

Watch out for cars, kids

Edna Emmerdale1 A feast of Charity at her fiesty and funny bestI want to see Charity in every episode too, but – unfortunately – we don't always get what we want, do we (I've got a degree in that!)? Noah wants to see his mum back with Jai. It's tough for the kids when the parents have a new partner every five minutes, but as he ran away from her he nearly got run over.

Honestly. That road's a death trap. Go and get that vicar-woman to go and rattle her tin in the middle of it, will you? At least Ashley would get a decent night's sleep again.

"Right now I'd settle for the chance of a night in a decent bed," he told her.

"And I would love to give you one," she replied (to Edna's disgust)!

Betty Edna Pearl A feast of Charity at her fiesty and funny best

"It's my lack of testicles that's the issue," she contended. No it isn't, love. They just don't like you.

What a silly storyline: turning the selection of a new vicar into a competition and then having the interview done by the village's 'coven' who – after having turned against Ashley (when he was a father-beater), have now turned back to him and clearly want him to take over from Jude the oblique.

In addition to the ones already mentioned; here's the rest of our Grins of The Week:

Declan: "What's up?"

Charity: My eyebrows – when Jai told me about his little 'chavlet'."

Jai: "Hit a nerve, have I?"

Charity: "No. You did that when you got Rachel up the duff."

Georgia Rishi Emmerdale A feast of Charity at her fiesty and funny bestGeorgia: "Come on. Let's get you into bed."

Rishi: "Why? Isn't Rodney 'man enough' for you, then?"

Jai: "Yesterday you wanted me to drop dead."

Charity: "Well, you clearly didn't."

Katie: "Are you alright?"

Megan: "I was until you turned up."

Lisa "Are you pleased with yourself ?"

Charity: "Are you? You're the one giving little trainer-thief a place to live."

PS

* Gil is short for Giles (according to his business card). He definitely doesn't look like a Giles, does he?

Robbie A feast of Charity at her fiesty and funny best* "If the job was 'looking bewildered and doing nowt', you'd all be on a bonus," Jai told the factory girls. I'll bet some of you work with a few like that?!

* Little Arthur's growing up, isn't he? Bless!

* They want to do 'Theme Nights' up at Home Farm now, do they? 'House of Horrors' would be a good one. What with that wallpaper, those garish artefacts and now giant shark's teeth adorning the place they could do a roaring trade!

* You might notice that Paul Roundell (one of the writers) has a very naughty side (if you're listening very carefully and/or have that sort of mind!). As well as Harriet's 'give you one' comment we also heard David tell a customer not to go putting too much horseradish on his beef. (Memories of Phillip Schofied and Fern Britton's infamous beef-dunking on This Morning there!)

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE EMMERDALE HOMEPAGE

YOU MIGHT ALSO ENJOY MY YAHOO!TV SOAP ARTICLE: 'WHAT WE LEARNT FROM LAST WEEK'S SOAPS'. (Original material, not duplicated from this post.) A humorous look at this week's money/time-saving tips and hints from Soapland!

Alfie married Roxy. Shortest marriage in history

 Alfie married Roxy. Shortest marriage in historyYou can hear me talking Soaps 10.30-11.00 am every Thursday on Swindon 1055.com (or simply use the tunein Radio App) and on my internet Soap Show 6.00-6.30 every Thursday on Tellyspy.

Emotional roller coasters; scooter rides and viewers being taken for a ride.

Screen Shot 2013 11 30 at 18.06.40 Alfie married Roxy. Shortest marriage in historySo, it finally happened. Alfie married Roxy. Shortest marriage in history? There wasn't much point in the 'Stay faithful unto her for as long as you both shall live' bit. 'Stay faithful until the end of the ceremony' might have been more appropriate.

You could have heard an empty vodka bottle drop as Alfie realised what he'd done, and it was real edge-of-your-seat stuff. Roxy was brilliant, and Alfie genuinely looked as if he'd married a woman but wished he hadn't – which he had, but as for what happened next: no, no, no, no … NOOOO!

I've often criticised EastEnders in the past for stretching 'artistic licence' to its very limits, but this was 'Summat else'! I have never seen such a ridiculously over-contrived and unbelievable storyline, and watched with increasing incredulity as events unfolded.

AS IF someone would just give up his moped like that.

AS IF Bianca would have had enough money in her purse to give Alfie for a ticket.

AS IF he'd have known where to go to and BUY that ticket; had just the right amount of cash to pay for it (surely it would have cost a lot of money to buy one at such short notice?), and wouldn't have also had to stand in a queue for an hour to get it.

AS IF he could have even bought an airline ticket without a passport.

AS IF they'd have let him past the gate.

AS IF he'd have been allowed to run up to the plane, bang on its doors and then be let in!

AS IF the other passengers would have all sat there silently without complaint about the delay.

Yes. This has to be THE most ridiculous thing I've EVER SEEN on a soap. Do they think we're stupid? I know it's only a soap, but we do need a teensy BIT of realism, surely?

 Alfie married Roxy. Shortest marriage in historyThey could have had him catch up with her in the traffic jam and we'd have all wept buckets of joy rather than cry tears of anger and frustration at having to witness such a feeble attempt to give us the big Hollywood ending.

Having said all that … I DID wail like Bridget Jones at the end when they kissed on the tarmac, but EastEnders; please, please keep them together now, as for either of them to have another affair would just be one (more) step too far, ok?

Screen Shot 2013 11 30 at 18.11.19 Alfie married Roxy. Shortest marriage in historyIn other news: Ava was shocked to find that Sam only wanted her for her son's kidneys (oh, the romance), and Roxy told us that Amy 'didn't get it'. Does she ever? Queen Victoria's bust on the bar is more clued-up.

As one character leaves (that's it Sam. Get your bag and off you go. Bye now. Mind you don't miss your train) then another one arrives, and it's a joy to have Shirley back.

Screen Shot 2013 11 30 at 18.25.19 Alfie married Roxy. Shortest marriage in history "Tina sends her apologies. She's at home, puking up," she told Alfie in Church. Her deadpan delivery and miserable gob are a joy to watch!

I'm also loving her sister Tina. They're a great new comic partnership (even Tina's hair was a laugh this week), and she was trying to give Kat's Tats a run for their money too, but Tina's Tats are no match for that rack (are anyone's?)!

"He's doing it again, Shirl. He's undressing me with his eyes," she joked to Shirley about Phil. I like it when Phil gets a few comic lines too. So much better than being a bully. I'd love to see the three of them do more scenes together. They'd be a scream behind the bar of the Vic!

The other bits:

I've had to write this post in more of a rush than Alfie trying to get to Kat on Monday so just haven't had time to do this week's Appropriate/Inappropriate Music in the Background, but there was an awful lot of it this week- believe me!

Screen Shot 2013 11 30 at 18.24.07 Alfie married Roxy. Shortest marriage in historyOur Grins of the Week are a bit thin on the ground again too:

Tina: "You could be the man to 'turn me'."

Phil: "The only thing that's turning round here is my stomach."

Shirley: "Boris Johnson in a bra could pull Billy Mitchell." (That'll probably be coming up next week!)

Screen Shot 2013 11 30 at 18.22.27 e1385837805398 Alfie married Roxy. Shortest marriage in historyTina: "Would you rather see West Ham win the Premier League or– "

Billy: "Yes."

Tina: "I haven't told you the alternative yet."

Billy: "It doesn't matter; still be a yes."

PS

Screen Shot 2013 11 30 at 12.56.39 Alfie married Roxy. Shortest marriage in history* Bianca. Your skin tone and hair colour are like mine. Trust me; yeller's SO not your colour.

Screen Shot 2013 11 30 at 18.20.53 Alfie married Roxy. Shortest marriage in history*What were that Jake and Sadie doing at the wedding (other than to be there for Lauren to stare at)? What are they to Roxy and Alfie?

* Couldn't resist putting up a picture of lovely Peter. Oh, isn't he the cutest thing?

* Was Kirsty's skirt even an actual skirt?

* You wouldn't have thought Alfie would have even had to ask Ronnie where Kat had gone. They all (and only) ever to to Spain!

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE EASTENDERS' HOMEPAGE

YOU MIGHT ALSO ENJOY MY YAHOO!TV SOAP ARTICLE: 'WHAT WE LEARNT FROM LAST WEEK'S SOAPS'. (Original material, not duplicated from this post.) A humorous look at this week's money/time-saving tips and hints from Soapland!

Peter and Tina get closer to 'the kiss'

Corrie Christmas logo Peter and Tina get closer to the kissYou can hear me talking Soaps 10.30-11.00 am every Thursday on Swindon 1055.com (or simply use the tunein Radio App) and on my internet Soap Show 6.00-6.30 every Thursday on Tellyspy.

Michelle's sickened, Steve's on a sticky wicket and Peter's snookered.

Peter Carla Coronation Street Peter and Tina get closer to the kissOoh, I'd thought it might have happened this week, but as Peter and Tina get closer to 'the kiss', we've seen him displaying all the signs of a man not relishing his impending nuptials.

Carla's being portrayed as 'pushy' for trying to organise the wedding singlehandedly, but don't worry; Saint Tina's there to not only feel sorry for 'poor Peter' but has also more or less turned into Simon's new mum overnight.

Peter Tina Simon Coronation Street Peter and Tina get closer to the kiss"You mean the world to him," he told her (with a serious face on too!). Er, since when? It's all a teensy bit hard to swallow, is this one.

It's affecting Tina's work too. "I've had three haircuts while you've been collecting glasses," Liz remarked sarkily, but it's lucky she was on the wrong side of the bar because she was able to (singlehandedly) break up the impending fight between Peter and Rob.

Funny that. Normally in any soap, the second it 'kicks off', half the pub pile in and restrain the protagonists, but for the first time ever (that I can remember) the blokes all just stood there and let Tina 'sort it'.

Get Carla back to what she does best: quaffing red!

Carla and Peter Peter and Tina get closer to the kissCarla's blissfully unaware of what's about to occur. "God bless Tina and all who sail in her" (yeah, that'll be Peter) she praised the little minx this week, but I – for one – am glad they're (presumably/hopefully) about to split up. I've never felt that they were right for each other.

Having Carla living in that tatty little flat for a start – and even chopping the odd carrot too. That is not the Carla Connor we love, is it? The one who used to live on red wine and takeaways?

Peter Peter and Tina get closer to the kissCarla Barlow? That's hardly got a ring to it either, has it, and there's a lot of us out there who are hoping for a far more exciting future ahead for our Mrs C; one which involves Michelle. (See #carchelle on Twitter!)

Still. Since Peter feels so emasculated at being 'stuck' with such an awful, manipulative woman, once she kicks him to the kerb he'll be free to do what he wants, won't he? He could definitely reinvent himself as a snooker player. He's already got the outfit and the 'look'.

You're no match for them, Stevie-boy

Michelle Steve Peter and Tina get closer to the kissThere was more great banter between Liz and Michelle (mostly at Steve's expense!) behind the bar this week. He's a silly Steve (which we already know to be true) if he thinks he's going to be able to pull the wool over their eyes over his college stuff.

"If you were as intelligent as you say you are you'd think up better lies," Michelle pointed out to him (great line!), and she's right. "It'll be me and him that's history the way he's going on," she told Liz. Yes, Steve. Keep it up please. We've got plans for Michelle …

Loads of great Corrie banter right throughout the week, and lots for our Grins of the Week:

Hayley Roy Peter and Tina get closer to the kiss

Roy: "I've seen photographers at funerals."

Hayley: "Really? What happens when they do the photos? Do people have to look miserable instead of smile?"

Kirk: "When I've met girlfriends it's always happened when I least expected it."

Steve: "You and everybody else."

Liz: "Deirdre's really good to go shopping with; tends to err on the side of caution."

Michelle Peter and Tina get closer to the kissMichelle: "Really? Does she not just make you buy a load of belts?"

Liz (about Steve 'borrowing' her Jackie Collins novels): "He'd swipe them from my bedside table. I never saw them again."

Michelle: " … Probably for the best."

Beth (to Peter): "What's up? Frightened of getting chained to a lamp post naked? That'd be a sight to see."

Carla: "Oh, not in this weather, love, eh?"

Liz Peter and Tina get closer to the kiss

Peter: "Carla does brilliant crisps. She puts them in a bowl and everything (!)"

Liz: "Why History. What is the point?"

Steve: "You just don't get it, do you?"

Liz: "No, I don't. Stuff happened. Get over it."

Tina: "Your dad should be a stand-up comic, shouldn't he?"

Simon: "If he was funny, yes."

Steve: "It would seem that I got a bit mixed up."

Steph Corrie Peter and Tina get closer to the kissMichelle: "Oh, what? So 'mixed up' you couldn't find your way home?"

Sally: "I don't think I've ever seen you looking so happy, Mrs Connor."

Beth: "That's not saying much. She's got a face as long as Deansgate half the time."

PS

* Steph's line about olives: "They've got loads of them. I don't know why they order so many," was lol funny and a great reminder of Gail's (sabotaged) online ordering!

* Can't wait to see DisGrace get what's coming to her.

* Was it 'very late night closing' on when Michelle set off to go into town shopping on Wednesday? The clock in the previous scene at Peter's had said 7.20 pm.

* I simply don't have the time today, but I'm going to try and get a 'Carchelle Corner' post out in the next couple of days. There's a lot to say!

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE CORONATION STREET HOMEPAGE

YOU MIGHT ALSO ENJOY MY YAHOO!TV SOAP ARTICLE: 'WHAT WE LEARNT FROM LAST WEEK'S SOAPS'. (Original material, not duplicated from this post.) A humorous look at this week's money/time-saving tips and hints from Soapland!

And now … it's Competition Time!

IMG 2622 Peter and Tina get closer to the kissTo celebrate the first anniversary of its sponsorship of ITV’s Coronation Street, comparethemarket.com has partnered with Gary Barlow, who has done a very special performance on the cobbles with help from Aleksandr and the meerkats.

For each of the next three weeks I'll be giving away a ‘Specials Edition’ copy of Gary’s first album in 14 years, ‘Since I Saw You Last’.

All you need to do is retweet one of my Corrie tweets (UK only, I'm afraid) to be in with a chance of winning one of these special CDs. A great Christmas gift for a loved one (or keep it all to yourself!).

Unknown Peter and Tina get closer to the kissClick HERE to watch the video:

I'll announce the winner in next week's post and on Twitter.

 

Here's (the text from) last week's YahooTV! postings:

Here's the text from the post "What We Learnt From The Soaps Last Week" that I wrote for YahooTV!'s Soap section for the week 18th-22nd November. To see the post on Yahoo, click here:

Shirley returned to Albert Square in 'EastEnders' last week, determined to make a new start. It's always good to have a goal in life, and Shirley soon set about her task with gusto.

If – like Shirley – your skill set is limited (and your appearance would probably rule out the possibility of working as a children's entertainer, for example) then just put your 'slap' and your shortest skirt on (not recommended for male readers) and begin your search at a convenience store convenientlysituated within a fifty yard radius of where you're standing.

A small amount of emotional blackmail may be necessary in order to help secure a position, but once you've done that successfully you'll also need to find yourself some accommodation. Always look for something locally – so as to avoid that tiresome daily commute – and be sure to have a cash sum available to 'seal the deal'.

If this is an issue for you then simply request that your new employer make you an advance on your wages. As your salary will clearly be substantial (enough for a deposit on a property before you've even started) this shouldn't present a problem, but if that option does prove unsuccessful then pop across the Square to your local branch of Max Bank for guaranteed instant access to funds.

Yes. If – like Lauren – you don't even 'need an occasion' to want a new top, then simply put out your hand and Max Bank will provide you with the necessary amount required. Max Bank helped several Albert Square residents this week alone, and also offered both free restaurant visits and a choice of fast food options as a bonus.

If urban living isn't for you then country life may be more suitable. For a mere sixty thousand poundsyou could become the new owner of a delightful cottage in the lovely village of 'Emmerdale'. There's just one small caveat: you'd be responsible for the welfare and upkeep of its resident pensioner.

This task requires minimal effort; involving little more than listening to idle gossip on a daily basis and escorting said pensioner home from the local hostelry when she experiences bouts of light-headedness and her memory becomes impaired.

Like the Max Bank in 'EastEnders', this village also has its own source of funding available to local residents. After little Amelia's mistaken assumption that money had simply 'fallen out of the sky' into her hands last week, landlady Chas discovered that the source of her good fortune was none other than the Macey Bank (of which best friend Katie is a valued customer).

Unfortunately for Ms Dingle, it appeared that her offer to go and stand in the street in order to receive a similar reward to Amelia's was rejected, but as she has since been spotted on holiday in Australia, one can only assume that she did eventually manage to successfully secure funding for her trip?

Other methods of increasing your earning potential are available though, and in 'Coronation Street' this week, Beth gave us an example of how to use our entrepenurial side in order to earn some valuable extra income in the run-up to Christmas. Simply persuade your knicker-stitching niece to knock up a few extra pairs in her spare time and you could also find yourself in the running for a productivity bonus.

If all these options fail to reap a reward you may wish to consider a return to formal education as a more traditional route towards achieving your goal of increasing your earning potential. Commitment and enthusiasm are both essential requirements. Contact a Mr Steve McDonald for further information. You'll find him in the pub …

Some excellent suggestions there – which will hopefully inspire and motivate you to come up with your own money-making ideas in the days ahead. Come back next week for more useful advice from the world of soaps.

Here's the text from the post "What We Learnt From The Soaps Last Week" that I wrote for YahooTV!'s Soap section for the week 18th-22nd November. It features all the 'Grins of the Week' from my Soapy Corners but with added comments! To see the post on Yahoo, click here:

As well as providing us with gripping drama and excitement, British soaps also treat us to some of the funniest comedy on TV.

Here's the pick of the one-liners from last week's 'Coronation Street', 'Emmerdale' and 'Eastenders':

In 'EastEnders' this week, they were discussing a recently departed resident.
Alfie: "About tomorrow's funeral: I don't think there's going to be a big turnout."
Janine: "That's cos no one liked him."

A previously departed resident returned (from the dead, many had thought):
Shirley: "What (music) would you have played at my funeral?"
Phil: "Bat out of hell?"

With a new, positive attitude:
Shirley: "I want to make a new start."
Phil: "What as – a children's entertainer?"

And a brand new lesbian sister with problems:
Tina: "Must be in my genes."
Shirley: "Yeah. Like half the women in London."

Shirley's always been one for 'telling it how it is':
Denise: "I'm fed up with people thinking I'm a pushover."
Shirley: "You don't mind them thinking you're an 'eartless cow though?"

And someone else sort-of told the truth too:
Lauren: "What you lookin' at?"
Joey: "The prettiest girl in Walford … she's right behind you."

Sometimes it's hard to have to bite your tongue when you're sat alone in a kitchen:
Terry: "Bianca not about?'
David : " … Not unless she's hiding under the table (!)"

Although some people 'speak as they find':
Roxy's palm reader: "They say he's a kind man; gentle disposition."
Aunt Sal: "They called it 'simple' in my day."

Some people don't give you the answer you'd expected:
Joey: "Do you know anything about wine?"
Kat: "Yeah. It gets you drunk."

But you can occasionally get some good advice when you're talking about men:
Denise: "Nothing wrong with a bit of window shopping, is there?"
Tina: "Just as long as you don't 'open your purse'!"

Up on 'Coronation Street', a concerned resident is giving advice to a pushy neighbour:
Mary: "Emily doesn't need that kind of pressure Norris. She's nearly ninety, for God's sake."
Emily: "I'm nowhere NEAR ninety!"

And someone's blowing their own trumpet (again):
Sally: "I've got a lot of experience."
Anna: "So I've heard."

It's usually sensible to keep your mouth shut and your ears open:
Kirk: "Beth reckons I'm a good listener."
Carla: "Well, with her gob, I'd have thought it was a prerequisite."

Except when you're in the pub:
Marcus: "Do you want another drink?"
Eileen: "Er, let me think." (A millisecond passes.) "Yeah."

'Pacing yourself' is often recommended:
Beth: "Slow and steady wins the race."
Sally: "It's funny how it's only ever the bone idle who say that."

But if you're in second place in a knicker-stitching race then be proud of yourself:
Beth : "Yeah, it's me. Get over it."
Fiz: "We can't get over it. You hardly do a stroke."

If colleagues dispute your boyfriend's mathematical skills, query their assumption:
Beth: "Are you saying my fella can't count?"
Sally: "I'm not going to answer that."

And have your boyfriend confirm his credentials:
Kirk: "Counting was my favourite subject at school."
Sally: "After what - colouring?"

Don't lose your temper under any circumstances:
Julie: "Sally. You're not being very dignified."
Beth: "She'll be 'punchified' in a second."

But just focus on the prize:
Beth: "I am SOO nearly the winner. Do I get to wear a sash and tiara?"
Sean: "It's not a beauty contest – luckily for you."

And enjoy celebrating with your friends:
Sinead: "I don't drink."
Eva: "Well, what do you do for fun?"
Sinead: "Same as you, but I remember it the next day."

Over in 'Emmerdale', someone's drunk and is hurling abuse:
Val (bitterly): "Judith."
Diane: "Who's she?"
Chas: "Judas with a lisp?"
Val: "Shut it, you."
Chas: "Ooh, she's in 'The Sweeney' now!"

But not drunk enough not to know 'what's what':
Diane: "Do you really want to be on your own for good?"
Val: "God, NO. I'd end up like you !"

She's not thinking straight regarding her grieving husband:
Diane: "He's lost."
Val: "Do you think if I asked him nicely he'd stay lost?"

Although he isn't really helping himself, is he?:
Eric: "You look a sight."
Val: "I couldn't care less."

Somebody won't get lost on the way to the pub:
Sandy: "Ashley drove me here in his new car."
Diane: "You only live next door!"

A new car can turn a lady's head. How about Rhona's?:
Sandy: "Did he attract you?"
Edna: "Don't be disgusting!"

Somebody had some explaining to do when it looked as if his alter-ego had been doing more than turning a lady's head:
Rodney: "I didn't do anything wrong."
Georgia: "Oh, no. It was Hunter. He just borrowed your … " (looking down at his flies).

He was doing it for the money. Someone else needed cash for a trip:
Victoria: "Will you 'buy me out' of Betty's house? I've decided to go to Dublin."
Diane: "And that'll cost you sixty grand? You can fly there for thirty quid!"

And someone trying to sell a property was given useful advice:
Robbie: "Selling the houses off one by one; it's a mug's game. You want one buyer who'll take the lot."
Declan: "Why didn't I think of that? Hold on a minute – I did."

Some great one-liners for you again this week. I hope you've enjoyed them, but who'll be making us grin next week? If it's in a soap and it's funny then you'll be sure to find it here every Monday in our Soapy Smiles!

The truth always comes out in the end – sooner please!

Corrie roof logo e1341149395169 The truth always comes out in the end   sooner please!(You can hear me talking Soaps 10.30-11.00 am every Thursday on Swindon 1055.com CLICK HERE TO LISTEN or simply use the Tunein Radio App.

Carla's planning; Peter's plotting; Gail's petting and Simon was petrified. It's another eventful week in Coronation Street.

Tina Peter Coronation Street The truth always comes out in the end   sooner please!

Peter said that Simon had always 'thought such a lot' of Tina.

Er, since when? I barely remember even one scene between them before this storyline, and we even saw Tina clearing litter from outside the front of the Rovers (in the middle of a busy Friday evening?) so that she could just happen to be there when Peter appeared.

Talk about shoe-horning them together. They'll be meeting over the fake tan section in Freshco's next, or if Corrie had a launderette we'd find that they both suddenly had an urgent need to do their weekly (half load of) washing!

Carla Coronation Street1 The truth always comes out in the end   sooner please!It's such a stretch to imagine anyone getting cold feet about marrying Carla, although having cold feet (from ending up on a slab) tends to be an occuptational hazard for Carla's fellers! Doesn't Peter realise that half the UK wishes they could be in his shoes – and even a few men too! #Carchelle

I hesitate to criticise our heroine - Saint Carla of Underworld - but she was actually rather unprofessional - twice - this week. Firstly, by handing out wedding invites out to Sally and Fiz in front of the other staff, and then by chewing gum with her mouth open the whole time she was uncovering the Beth knicker scandal.

Beth's lies nearly cost her her job and might have cost her Kirk's love too. Lies are bad, and as Anna warned Faye on Monday: "The truth always comes out in the end."

Leanne Coronation Street The truth always comes out in the end   sooner please!Giving children the keys to an empty house was asking for trouble. Typical Tracy! Seeing little Simon breaking his heart like that broke my heart too, but it did give us some very touching scenes between both him and Leanne and with his dad.

Let's hope this whole DisGrace thing finally comes to a head next week though, as it's very upsetting to watch and is starting to 'do my head in'.

Talking of heads: anyone else starting to get a bit bored with Nick's head injury? He's either flying off the handle or saying sorry for flying off the handle, and I – for one – wish that he'd just hurry up and make a sudden and miraculous recovery as this storyline's starting to feel more terminal than Hayley's (which is – by contrast – completely riveting to watch).

Gail Nick Coronation Street The truth always comes out in the end   sooner please!Seeing Gail with her hands all over Nick in the Bistro – stroking him like he's some sort of pet (or worse) doesn't look quite right, and it's only Leanne's sterling performance which is keeping this whole storyline bearable for me, but she'll be heading for a breakdown herself if she's not careful, and Gail hasn't got enough hands for petting the both of them.

Still; they've got a new waitress now.

"I've come about the job," Steph said to Gail.

"Oh, right. I'll have a word with my son. He's the Nick – in Nick's Bistro," she puffed.

Steph Gloria Coronation Street The truth always comes out in the end   sooner please!Gloria was right though: after five minutes she was already acting as if she was running the place!

Some lovely comedy scenes revolving around Steve and his History course, and here's the rest of our Grins of the Week:

Sally: "I've got a lot of experience."

Anna: "So I've heard."

Marcus: "Do you want another drink?"

Eileen: "Er, let me think." (A millisecond passes.) "Yeah."

Mary: "Emily doesn't need that kind of pressure Norris. She's nearly ninety, for God's sake."

Emily Coronation Street The truth always comes out in the end   sooner please!Emily: "I'm nowhere NEAR ninety!"

Kirk: "Beth reckons I'm a good listener."

Carla: "Well, with her gob, I'd have thought it was a prerequisite."

Beth: "Slow and steady wins the race."

Sally: "It's funny how it's only ever the bone idle who say that."

Beth (second place in the knicker-stitcher race): "Yeah, me. Get over it."

Fiz: "We can't get over it. You hardly do a stroke."

Kirk: "Counting was my favourite subject at school."

Sally: "After what – colouring?"

Kirk Sally Coronation Street The truth always comes out in the end   sooner please!Beth: "Are you saying my fella can't count?"

Sally: "I'm not going to answer that."

Julie: "Sally. You're not being very dignified."

Beth: "She'll be 'punchified' in a second."

Beth: "I am SOO the winner. 'Employee of the Month'. Do I get to wear a sash and tiara?"

Sean: "It's not a beauty contest – luckily for you."

Sinead: "I don't drink."

Eva (gasps): "Well, what do you do for fun?"

Sinead: "Same as you, but I remember it the next day."

PS

 The truth always comes out in the end   sooner please!* Norris said he didn't want to eat something of Mary's from the days when Fanny Craddock was a girl. 'Who?' some of you youngsters might ask. Well, heeere's Fanny. She'd have made a great Corrie character. In fact, I reckon she's got a bit of a look of Liz – or Rita!

* Carl got 25 years. He'll probably appeal or be let out 'for good behaviour' or something and be back within six months!

* Is Dev's antenna starting to focus on Stella?

* Sorry, but I truly cannot imagine Roy and Hayley eating fennel!

* Wasn't Tina meant to be picking Simon up from school that day Nick went? Why wasn't she there in time? (Probably too busy chatting to Peter!)

* Steve went to College on Friday night. In my day they never held lessons on a Friday night!

Michelle Liz Coronation Street The truth always comes out in the end   sooner please!* Liz and Michelle looked as if they'd dressed for a lovely summer's afternoon at Ascot – not a dark autumn Friday night in Weatherfield.

* I loved how when they were announcing the Employee of the Month, Peter was about to do a drumroll and Carla warned, "Please don't".

* And I haven't forgotten about Beastly Brian (how COULD he do that to our lovely Julie?). I'll be covering that next week!

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YOU MIGHT ALSO ENJOY MY YAHOO!TV SOAP ARTICLE: 'WHAT WE LEARNT FROM LAST WEEK'S SOAPS'. (Original material, not duplicated from this post.) A humorous look at this week's money/time-saving tips and hints from Soapland!

Ronnie told Roxy that Alfie still loved Kat

EastEnders logo e1337598881632 Ronnie told Roxy that Alfie still loved KatYou can hear me talking Soaps 10.30-11.00 am every Thursday on Swindon 1055.com CLICK HERE TO LISTEN or simply use the Tunein Radio App.

Walford gets an eyeful; Shirley's 'evil eye' is back; Kirsty's eye makeup needs attention and Kat and Alfie kiss and make up.

As usual, money doesn't seem to be of any concern to most of Walford's residents. Alfie could afford to close the pub for his stag do and they also closed the R&R (who owns it this week, by the way?) so that Roxy could 'ave a proper Mitchell knees up for her hen night.

Kat EastEnders Ronnie told Roxy that Alfie still loved KatIt ended in a good old Mitchell row as Ronnie told Roxy that Alfie still loved Kat. Roxy's tried to pretend it wasn't happening, but you'd have to be an idiot NOT to see it.

If he's not looking at 'Kat's Tats' (even SHE can't take her eyes off them!), Alfie's giving her puppy dog eyes, and we had that big moment this week where she told him, "You're not 'my Alfie' anymore.

"I'll always be 'your Alfie'," he replied tenderly, and at that minute I felt like retracting everything I'd said about being sick to death of their on/off relationship, as it really felt 'real' again. What an old softie I am!

Roxy Ronnie EastEnders Ronnie told Roxy that Alfie still loved KatStill, what's going to happen, aye? Will the wedding go ahead? If it doesn't; Roxy could always earn herself a few bob on the streets. Sorry, but she and Ronnie looked could just like a couple of hookers sat there like that.

If Roxy needs money in the weeks ahead she need look no further than minted Max. If he wasn't handing out dosh to Lauren and Kirsty he was offering to take his girls out for dinner 'somewhere nice' and buy takeaways, but where's the money coming from? He's presumably got a mortgage on that house and has bills to pay? His cashmere jumpers alone must be costing him a bomb, yet he never seems to do any work.

EastEnders Ronnie told Roxy that Alfie still loved KatIt didn't take much work for Sadie to move house either. House? She said she'd got a house, yet that place is a flat, surely? Would you call that poxy hob and breakfast bar 'a kitchen'? It only seemed to take half an hour to move in too, and without any help from Jake.

Shirley EastEnders Ronnie told Roxy that Alfie still loved KatMost people take a bit of time off work to move house, yet they'd moved in and got the beds made up before you even could say, 'he's a liar, love'.

Kick him to the kerb and get together with Max, ok?

It's SO great to see Walford's 'ardest 'ard man Shirley back, and with a lesbian sister in tow too. So nice to see her happy, smiling face again! That Carl wants to watch out now 'Shirl's about', and maybe she can sort Janine out too?

Janine's brass neck takes some beating, doesn't it? "Letting a guy get away with murder. A man nearly died. You can't just 'get away' with these things," she pontificated about Ian. Ooh, she's got a nerve!

Ian EastEnders1 Ronnie told Roxy that Alfie still loved KatThe other bits:

Ian has to win a 'Stupid, or What?' Award this week for this example of a man's lack of grasp of a woman's meaning:

Denise: "I think I'd rather be lonely on my own than lonely in a relationship."

Ian: "So what are you saying?"

There was some Appropriate/Inappropriate Music in the Background this week as Alfie agonised over Kat. We had Human League's 'Don't you want me baby?', Wham's 'I'm your man' and 'She's in love with you, she's in love with you' from Spandau Ballet's 'Gold' playing out at his exact-most 'angst-ridden' moments, and we even had a fair few Grins of the Week too:

Alfie: "About tomorrow's funeral: I don't think there's going to be a big turnout."

Janine: "That's cos no one liked him."

Tina Shirley EastEnders Ronnie told Roxy that Alfie still loved KatTina (the lezza): "Must be in my genes."

Shirley: "Yeah. Like half the women in London!"

Joey: "Do you know anything about wine?"

Kat: "Yeah. It gets you drunk."

Denise: "I'm fed up with people thinking I'm a pushover."

Shirley: "You don't mind them thinking you're an 'eartless cow though?"

Shirley: "What (music) would you have played at my funeral?"

Phil: "Bat out of hell?"

David EastEnders1 e1385382565759 Ronnie told Roxy that Alfie still loved KatTerry: "Bianca not about?'

David (sighs): " … Not unless she's hiding under the table (!)"

Shirley Carter EastEnders Ronnie told Roxy that Alfie still loved Kat

Shirley: "I want to make a new start."

Phil: "What as – a children's entertainer?"

Roxy's palm reader: "They say he's a kind man; gentle disposition."

Sal: "They called it 'simple' in my day."

Lauren: "What you lookin' at?"

Joey: "The prettiest girl in Walford … she's right behind you."

Denise: "Nothing wrong with a bit of window shopping (men), is there?"

Tina: "Just as long as you don't 'open your purse'!"

PS

* I know nothing about fashion, but Abi just seems to dress in 'old lady' clothes (and not in a good way). Is that what passes for trendy these days?

Kirsty EastEnders1 Ronnie told Roxy that Alfie still loved Kat* Kirsty; you're a bit late for Halloween, love!

* I'd like Shirley's part-time job at the Minute Mart if an advance on her wages was enough for her to put a deposit down on a flat.

* Alfie promised he'd tell Tommy about Michael when he was older. Are you sure that's wise? I'd start saving for his shrink right now if I were you, mate!

* Bianca wondered what Roxy would be wearing at the wedding. "Something really trashy," she cackled. Er, pot, kettle, B?!

* You'd think with all Janine's money she'd be able to afford a decent hairdresser/colourist!

* Anyone who follows me on Twitter will know of my penchant for pasta, red wine and bread, so seeing Max and Tanya drinking red wine while cooking a spag bol had me slavering. They didn't get round to eating it though. He'd said he was starving, so surely Max should have had his tea BEFORE splitting up with Kirsty? Fool.

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Charity's out for revenge, so look out Jai

Emmerdale logo2012 Charitys out for revenge, so look out JaiYou can hear me talking Soaps 10.30-11.00 am every Thursday on Swindon 1055.com CLICK HERE TO LISTEN or simply use the Tunein Radio App.

Declan's 'Mr Angry'; Charity's steaming; Mr S is sweaty, Val's wet and Veronica's at the net!

Monday's episode was the best I've seen in any soap (even the siege, etc) for ages. It had it all. SOOO funny. Great writing (by Karin Young) and some fine acting.

IMG 2527 Charitys out for revenge, so look out JaiVal was on sparkling form. Already bereft after Amy's departure, she then learned that Victoria was also handing in her notice. She didn't take it well, so stormed off back to the Barn conversion, where Eric took one look at her and enquired: "I suppose there's some 'poor me' storyline attached to this?"

Val Vic Emmerdale Charitys out for revenge, so look out Jai"Don't worry. She'll be back drunk in an hour," Diane reassured Vic in the pub and – boy – was she was right. Insults flew and Vic ended up chucking a glass of water over Val so she was 'soaked' two ways!

Once she calmed down she became all maudlin. "Victoria's all I had left. She's a poor imitation of Amy – I'll grant you – but at least she was there," Val wailed. She's a brilliant drunk, and I loved it. Vic's come on so much too, and pulls some great faces – like the one when Diane reminded her that Betty could even live to be 100!

Quick. Play dead, Rishi!

Rishi Charity Emmerdale Charitys out for revenge, so look out JaiSomeone with a face like thunder was Charity when she finally pieced it all together, and after interrogating Sam she was about to verbally batter Mr S into submission when he did the sensible thing and had a heart attack. A lot less painless than  having to deal with Charity any day of the week!

Once she'd got Jai, Rachel and Sam in the office for the big showdown the one-liners came thick and fast. Jai didn't even have Rishi there for backup.

"Why don't you phone him now? He might yank his tubes out and come rushing to your aid again," Charity shouted.

Charity Emmerdale Charitys out for revenge, so look out JaiJai tried that old faithful: 'It's not what you think." Bad move.

"What I think? What I THINK … is that you and that skank had a filthy little tumble, yeah?" she replied as she rounded on Rachel.

"You know when we said we needed a scrubber? We actually meant cleaning the house. Next person you clean for; make sure you get some time off next time you're 'on heat', yeah? Save everyone a lot of hassle," she railed.

I just adore Charity and can't wait to see what revenge she's got planned for Jai. If I was him I'd keep my hand on my gonads or Chas might just find them served up in a Bushtucker Trial!

New balls please!

Veronica Emmerdale Charitys out for revenge, so look out JaiI've not had a man in nearly three years," Veronica revealed (Ha. I can beat that), then went off and reappeared ready for a game of 'singles'.

"I think you might have got hold of 'the wrong end of the stick'," Hunter smiled nervously. I think was the general idea!

What would you do if you were Rodders? That's a lot of money for doing what comes naturally. I'd be happy to go 'escorting' if I got to have a nice dinner and a chat, and Georgia's right: "Your father accompanies a few 'select' clients on dinner dates. It's hardly sex trafficking."

Declan almost cracked a smile after he'd met with Gil. "I think you might have pulled, by the way," he told Megan. "He kept going on about how impressed he was with you. Mind you … he was wasted," he mused. And he wonders why Katie left him …

Gil Declan Emmerdale Charitys out for revenge, so look out JaiThere was some great banter between Declan and Katie about the divorce. Her having 'so many grounds' to choose from, telling Gil to check that he still had his watch after shaking hands with Deccers, and him then telling Gil: "I'd give her more money if I thought she'd spend it on a dangerous sport!"

I'm not happy with Declan shouting at our lovely Megan either. How about Gil buying him out of Home Farm and then marrying Megan? Now that's a storyline I'd like to see!

What a great twist at the end too: the deeds all being in Katie's name and Robbie telling her. Can't wait for next week!

It's been a bumper week of one-liners. Here's our Grins of The Week:

Charity: "Did she rustle? I need to know if all those man-made fibres rustled when you undressed her."

Declan: "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."

IMG 2528 Charitys out for revenge, so look out JaiMegan: Oh my God. He's channelling Oscar Wilde now. (He's certainly Mr Angry!)

Sandy: "Ashley drove me here in his new car."

Diane: " You only live next door!"

Rodney: "I didn't do anything wrong."

Rishi: "He just wanted my permission for Archie to call him dad."

Charity: "Archie can't talk."

Georgia: "Oh, no. It was Hunter. He just borrowed your … " (looks down at his flies). Brilliant!

Edna Emmerdale Charitys out for revenge, so look out JaiMegan: "As soon as you're back on your feet, there'll be a whole gang of 'Katies' queuing round the block."

Declan: "God, I hope not."

Sandy (asking Rhona about Ashley in his new car): "Did he attract you?"

Edna: "Don't be disgusting!"

Vic: "Will you buy me out of Betty's house? I've decided to go to Dublin."

Diane: "And that'll cost you sixty grand? You can fly there for thirty quid!"

Eric: "You look a sight."

Val: "I couldn't care less."

Diane Chas Emmerdale Charitys out for revenge, so look out JaiVal (bitterly; drunk): "Judith."

Diane: "Who's she?"

Chas: "Judas with a lisp?"

Val: "Shut it, you."

Chas: "Ooh, she's in 'The Sweeney' now!"

Robbie: "Selling the houses off one by one; it's a mug's game. You want one buyer who'll take the lot."

Val Emmerdale1 Charitys out for revenge, so look out JaiDeclan: "Why didn't I think of that? Hold on a minute – I did (!)"

Diane (about Eric) "He's lost."

Val: "Do you think if I asked him nicely he'd stay lost?"

Diane: "Do you really want to be on your own for good?"

Val: "God, NO. I'd end up like you!"

PS

* Why did Priya have morning sickness at night?

* LOVED the woman with the animals who told 'Ashton' when he asked her where she was from: 'I'm not meant to reveal any personal information in case you're a RAPIST.'

Nesss sister Emmerdale copy Charitys out for revenge, so look out JaiVanessa Emmerdale Charitys out for revenge, so look out Jai* This speed dater looks like Vanessa's sister!

* Diane said she was two bridesmaids down instead of two barmaids down (unless that was a freudian slip?)!

* Robbie's funny little dirty patch is getting darker!

* Was Rhona's box of antibiotics the same one as the box of painkillers Bob had given her earlier?

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE EMMERDALE HOMEPAGE

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Jane Reynolds's Weekly Blog – 18th November 2013

Sunrise over Swindon Jane Reynoldss Weekly Blog   18th November 2013My posts now start with a 'Sunset Over Swindon' (formerly SunRISE Over Swindon'!), but this was my outlook as I sat working on my Soapy Corners yesterday (Sunday) morning at around 7.15 am.

It was lovely. I'd lit those four little candles; it was just coming light, I had some gentle Baroque music playing quietly as I worked and had even pushed the boat out and put the central heating on!

One of those really nice 'moments' we all have occasionally. 'How nice it would be to be able to spend every day doing this – and to feel that I had a real purpose in what I was doing' I thought to myself.

I'd had a pretty encouraging couple of weeks (and was feeling very upbeat), but not 24 hours later, and here we go again …

No matter how many motivational books I read, positive thinking downloads I listen to and visualisation exercises I do (and I do a LOT), every single time I think I'm getting a break, 'The Universe' decides to slap me straight back down again. It's happened again this morning (Monday). TOTALLY out of the blue.

I'm not sure what more I have to do to actually succeed, but when I DO finally get that lucky break and start earning some proper money as a writer (see that positive thinking there?!), people will be amazed, and admire my determination to have kept going for so long – despite having had so many totally unbelievable and unexpected knock backs.

That's why I'm sat here still writing this post now – rather than having just shut the lid down on my Mac and gone off for a coffee somewhere (and/or a good cry). If commitment and determination really DID earn you money I'd have been a millionaire a long time ago, but – lol – I won't give up, dammit!

Aaaannnd breathe …

I'm very pleased to be writing for Yahoo!TV, and here's my latest posts with them: 'What we learned from the Soaps this weekand 'The best of the week's one-liners''What we learned from the Soaps' is original content and is unrelated to my Soapy Corners, so if you'd like to learn a few (completely UN) important (and humorous) handy hints and tips, go and take a look!

Barring any last minute technical hitches, this week will also see the return of my live, lighthearted internet Soap review on Tellyspy (Twitter: @Tellyspy) between 6.00 and 6.30 pm on Thursday (21st).

PS This site's 'makeover' is coming along nicely. Keep watching this space!

'Bye, pet'. Everyone in floods as Amy sailed off to Ireland

Emmerdale logo2012 Bye, pet. Everyone in floods as Amy sailed off to IrelandYou can hear me talking Soaps 10.30-11.00 am every Thursday on Swindon 1055.com CLICK HERE TO LISTEN or simply use the Tunein Radio App.

Amy sailed off, Val launched a tirade at Eric before spicing the main brace, and Jai needs to brace himself!

Eric Val Emmerdale Bye, pet. Everyone in floods as Amy sailed off to IrelandBlimey. What a depressing week. Marlon, Laurel, Paddy and Rhona sniping at each other; Declan looking as miserable as someone who's lost a fortune and also had to give away a house (ah, actually, he DID!); David, Priya and Alicia in a state over the (non) abortion, and Amy's tears having half the country wailing (although it was the shot of Eric and Val that finished me off). I'm with Val:

"I'll have a large gin please, and make it a slimline tonic, cos I think I might comfort eat later." Sounds like a plan!

Thank goodness we've got Charity finding out about Archie to cheer us all up this week, but I doubt that even Jai will have as much vitriol thrown at him as poor Eric, Kerry et al got from Val this week.

Andy Emmerdale Bye, pet. Everyone in floods as Amy sailed off to Ireland"Steer clear, pet. She's got her tongue set to 'stun' today," Diane warned Andy. Luckily, he's got very broad shoulders so was able to cope with being told that he was "Not the full picnic, pet". Or maybe he just didn't 'get it' – what with being not the full picnic, and all?

Anybody who throws a perfectly good mobile phone out of a car window (especially when it's someone else's) is clearly not the full picnic either, but then Amy wasn't thinking clearly I suppose, was she?

I'm not sure how she was able to simply walk straight into Kyle's playgroup (they're harder to get into than the packaging on a child's toy normally!), but she did, and it all ended with everyone in floods as Amy sailed off to Ireland.

She didn't appear to have any bags with her, so I hope she'll be ok. I'm worried about Kerry's missing shoe. Twenty quid that cost her!

Val Eric Vic Emmerdale Bye, pet. Everyone in floods as Amy sailed off to IrelandVal and Eric had no sooner rekindled their passion (much to Vic's disgust: "Oy. If you two want to 'get it on', take yourselves home. There's no way I'm changing the bed again," she warned) than she was right back to hurling insults at him again.

Val  always sees herself as totally blameless in any situation, and despite pointing the finger at and insulting just about everyone in the village, she remained as stubborn as usual:

Val: "I'm not going to apologise."

Eric: "Do you ever?"

It was deeply moving to see both Val, Eric and Kerry broken-hearted at Amy's departure, but life goes on and I – for one – cannot wait to see Charity centre stage again next week. She's been off my screen for way too long!

I was getting worried that with all the sorrow and misery we wouldn't have had ANY Grins of The Week, but luckily Val's glorious comic lines/timing have given me plenty to be able to write here!

Eric: "Let's look on the bright side, should we? For once in your life, you're not to blame."

Val : "No. YOU are."

Val Eric Emmerdale Bye, pet. Everyone in floods as Amy sailed off to IrelandVal: "You know the thing I love most about my Eric?"

Victoria (repulsed): "I'm not sure we wanna know!"

Val: "Ah, here he is … having been drinking coffee all morning with my sister."

Eric: "And people say we're always bickering: how wide of the mark could they be?"

Eric: "I've bent over backwards to comfort that woman. She needs a punchbag as well as a husband."

Val: "What? You can't multitask?"

Val: "If he won the lottery, he'd still complain about the two quid it cost him to put it on."

Bernice Emmerdale Bye, pet. Everyone in floods as Amy sailed off to IrelandEric: "Where's my toolbox?"

Val: "I didn't know you had one."

Dan: "She's not stupid to run off with a child."

Val: "She IS stupid enough."

And just a couple of other little non-Val/Eric-based ones:

Bernice: "Gabby. Don't put blusher on Angel, darling. It's hardly age-appropriate."

Carl (to Moira): "I thought you'd be out delivering your shrink-wrapped animals?"

PS

* How on earth could Eric have thought he was going to be able to prepare a 'tasting menu' for twelve that evening when he'd been sat boozing in the pub all afternoon? What was he going to give them: a tub of mixed olives, a variety pack of crisps and a packet of Revels?

Amelia Emmerdale Bye, pet. Everyone in floods as Amy sailed off to Ireland* HOW sweet (and funny) was little Amelia dancing down the road? What a marvellous little actress she is.

* Val was checking ferry times on 'Poodle'. Lol. With all the product placement that's gradually creeping into Soaps I'm surprised it they didn't just show Google and have done with it.

* I'm not sure Paddy suggesting that Rhona should have 'gone back to bed with Lorraine Kelly' was the smartest move. It's not five minutes since he thought she was in bed with Vanessa. Subliminal messages, Paddy …

* Will Andy turn out to be a long-lost relative of James Barton? They've got a matching pair of broad shoulders wide enough to prop up an outbuilding between them!

* Not sure that's an appropriate car for a (non, but presumably soon to be restored) vicar; nor is driving it out of the village so fast either. It's lucky Amelia wasn't still doing her little dance in the middle of the road or she'd be needing that fifty quid for bandages.

* 'Time's the one thing you can't get back', Kerry said this week.

I went to see a clairvoyant after my mum died and she told me that my mum was urging her to tell me these words: 'You can't recover time'. What wise, wise words they are …

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I want to look special, you know? Carla's planning the big day

Corrie roof logo e1341149395169 I want to look special, you know? Carlas planning the big day(You can hear me talking Soaps 10.30-11.00 am every Thursday on Swindon 1055.com CLICK HERE TO LISTEN or simply use the Tunein Radio App.

Corrie Corner's been on a diet. Read the new, slimline version!

 Dev Coronation Street I want to look special, you know? Carlas planning the big day'DisGrace' bullied little Simon into robbing from Dev's this week (did you notice Dev practising his Ministry of Silly Walks walk on Wednesday outside Tracy and Rob's shop?). What was Owen's excuse when Anna reminded him that he was meant to be watching them?

"I was upstairs." Oh, well, that's alright then mate, isn't it? What if they'd started playing with matches or something?

Maybe Anna could send DisGrace round to Tina, she'd soon give her 'what for' – just like she did to David this week (I thought the colour on my TV had gone wrong on Monday; the pair of them looked browner than ever!), but no sooner was he was back on the cobbles than he started getting on Kylie's nerves instead.

"He keeps creeping about and hanging about," she shuddered to Izzy. Great line!

I never thought I'd say this, but I actually feel a bit sorry for David. Still, every cloud. Being outside so much will have certainly helped keep his tan topped up, although Carla was under a bit of a dark cloud this week when she realised what she'd done.

Carla Coronation Street I want to look special, you know? Carlas planning the big day"I've just asked a terminally ill woman with absolutely no sense of style to design my wedding dress," she confessed to Julie.

Luckily, after ripping Hayley's drawings into pieces she managed to stick them all back together and somehow come up with THE dress, so rushed round to the cafe.

"I was pretty depressed when I saw your drawings," she admitted to Hayley, but the two of them soon got their heads together and started planning. In a moment of gay abandon, Hayley even threw caution to the wind and opened a bottle of Rosé.

"Say 'when'," she twittered excitedly as she started to pour a glass for Carla.

"Ooh, I'm not a 'when' kind of girl. Just fill it up," Carla mused. You'd have thought Hayley would have known that by now!

Peter was struggling to see what all the fuss was about. "You're only going to wear it once. Why not save that money?" he asked her.

"Well, call me mental, but I want to look special, you know? Wedding day? Sort of thing you only get to do half a dozen times in your life?" she tried to explain. (I should be so lucky. I never even got to one!)

If she saw how Peter had been giving Tina the eye again this week she'd definitely decide to save that money, but that's still bubbling-under for now, unlike our Grins of the Week!

Audrey Max Coronation Street I want to look special, you know? Carlas planning the big dayMax: "I got 8 out of 10 for my spelling test."

Audrey: "Ooh. Did you darling? What did the others get?"

Max: "Two got 10 and the others got 9."

Audrey: "Oooh … "

Lloyd (listening to Todd's first call on the Switch): "Not bad."

Todd: "Well, it's hardly brain surgery, is it?"

Lloyd: "Is that your other job?"

Brian Julie Coronation Street I want to look special, you know? Carlas planning the big dayJulie: "I'm sure there was something wrong with that yogurt; it tasted like sour milk."

Brian: "Yogurt IS sour milk."

Roy (as Hayley opens a bottle of wine): "Are you sure that's wise? Alchohol can impair your judgement."

Hayley: "Roy. We're designing a frock, not landing a 747."

Eileen: "Do you want the good news, good news or good news?"

Todd: "This better involve the Lottery."

Eileen Coronation Street e1384720526615 I want to look special, you know? Carlas planning the big day

Marcus: "Women do have opinions too, Brian: Julie included."

Brian: "Don't remind me, and I think I'm about to hear most of them."

Todd: "We decided to take mum out."

Eileen: "You make it sound like I'm in a bath chair!"

Sean: "Why did the drunken, self-pitying misery guts cross the road?"

David: "I don't know."

Sean: "Neither do I, but let's find out."

Todd: "I always thought of you as a kind of sporty bloke."

Dev: "Well, I always thought that you were someone who was 'going places', so how wrong we both were, aye?

PS

Churros I want to look special, you know? Carlas planning the big day* What do they have for breakfast in Spain? Churros, NOT Freshco's!

* Eileen asked Lloyd if he could do a Freshco's run in about 20 minutes. It was already gone 4.00 … on a Sunday afternoon. They'd be closed by then – unless they have different Sunday trading laws in Weatherfield?!

* Sean left the iron face-down on the ironing board, but when he returned to carry on ironing it was back on its heel!

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Ian dumped in a quarry? Alas, no …

EastEnders logo e1337598881632 Ian dumped in a quarry? Alas, no ...You can hear me talking Soaps 10.30-11.00 am every Thursday on Swindon 1055.com CLICK HERE TO LISTEN or simply use the Tunein Radio App.

Unlike Ian, Queen Vic Corner has gone 'slimline' – and that's not because there's nothing good worth saying this week; it's just a new look!

Ian EastEnders Ian dumped in a quarry? Alas, no ...I was very nearly excited twice this week. Once when I thought Ian was going to get dumped in a quarry, and secondly when I saw that Sam character heading towards the tube station with his passport in his pocket.

Alas, my hopes were dashed – as both of them both returned to the Square. I was so pleased when they brought Ava in, but Sam and Dexter bore the bonemarrow out of me. I know Sam's going, but it's a shame Ava's leaving too and and not Dexter. Her character was never used to its full potential – unlike Kat and Alfie …

Please, not again

They have been used to their full potential, but 'enough, already', as next week we'll see them – once again – decide that they can't live without each other. For goodness' sake; how many times are they going to put these two back together?

I can live without having to go through all this AGAIN, and now that Michael's dead and Janine's lying through her teeth about it, the whole thing just feels like a life sentence to me. Alice has got more to look forward to than us viewers at the moment.

All that gangster stuff this week was BEYOND tedious (and farcical) too, and the only thing keeping me going are Bianca's mob, Carol and David's 'will they, won't they?', and waiting for Shirley and the new family to roll up. Please make it soon, before I lose the will.

David EastEnders Ian dumped in a quarry? Alas, no ...The only thing I enjoyed this week (apart from seeing Peter) was David. Unlike the rest of Walford's so-called 'villains', he really IS believable. When he was 'having a chat' with Carl in the Restaurant it was enough to make anyone lose their appetite, although I wouldn't have drunk ANY glass of wine that had been brought to me out of a kitchen either!

The other bits:

There was a bit of Appropriate/Inappropriate Music in the Background. As CC, Lauren and Amy were discussing Max's trial (the next day) and the loan shark we heard Fleetwood Mac's 'If your life was bad to you, Just think what tomorrow will do' in the background behind them.

Talking of Amy; we had some Bad Drinking from a Mug to rival (current world champion) Alfie this week. She walked into the kitchen, tipping the (clearly empty) mug up to her mouth then started talking without swallowing. Call me petty, but come on. Swallowing follows drinking - it's da law!

One word, but it still qualified for a Bad Acting from a 'Supporting Artiste' this week. Max's solicitor turned and asked a guy called Glen if the judge was back, to which he replied 'Yes'. One word, but he couldn't have acted it worse if he'd tried. Go back and watch it and you'll see (Tuesday, 22 minutes, 30 seconds in)!

I thought it would be too good to be true. After a couple of better weeks, we're back to barely any Grins of the Week again:

David: "Ian's a nice fella and all that – if you like weasels."

Kat: "Michael was at his happiest when everyone thought he was a weirdo."

PS

Max EastEnders Ian dumped in a quarry? Alas, no ...* For those of you old enough to remember 'The President's Brain Is Missing' from Spitting Image; this totally reminded me of it! Was this Max's long-lost hair?

* 'Spud' looked at the breakfast cereals and said to Carol: "Got anyfing that's not supermarket 'own brand'?" I find it a stretch to think that she'd be that fussy, tbh!

* David was on about Ian's house being brown, brown, brown, then said: "I'm picking up a bad smell." Nothing brown, I hope?

Janine EastEnders Ian dumped in a quarry? Alas, no ...* Do you reckon the residents of those flats are close enough to watch the filming?

* Why was nobody at that quarry? Nobody. Surely there'd be someone there?

*How many 'takes' did it take to shoot Ian and Carl running through the streets? Neither of them look as if they've run anything more than a bath since their childhoods. Did they have to film it in stages, I wonder?

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YOU MIGHT ALSO ENJOY MY YAHOO!TV SOAP ARTICLE: 'WHAT WE LEARNT FROM LAST WEEK'S SOAPS'. (Original material, not duplicated from this post.) A humorous look at this week's money/time-saving tips and hints from Soapland!