(You can hear me talking Soaps 10.45-11.15 am every Thursday, from 4.00-5.00 pm Fridays on Swindon 105.5 FM CLICK HERE TO LISTEN, and on my NEW internet Soap Show 6.00-6.30 every Wednesday on Tellyspy. CLICK HERE TO LISTEN)
Lola's baby never cries, Amy never speaks, Michael's got a 'potty' mouth and Syed's biting off more than he can chew.
Lola said that baby Lexi never stopped crying. How does she know: she's hardly ever with her! The poor little mite's either stuck in the kitchen by herself while Lola's painting her nails in another room, or God knows where while she's sat in the pub drinking with her mates.
Have you ever heard Lexi cry? No, nor me. As I've said before: she must be the world's quietest baby, and this whole storyline gives out totally the wrong message to impressionable young girls.
To look at Lola, you'd think that you simply had to 'drop' the sprog and could then carry on with your life as normal, when nothing could be further from the truth. If I were a young teen watching this I'd be thinking that having a baby was just a bit of fun and didn't stop you 'having a life'. Wrong, very wrong.
I saw you coming*
What else is wrong this week? Syed, that's what's wrong. Cleaning products? That guy needs hair products, and what 'businessman' buys stock for thirteen grand, sells it for three and then asks for payment by CHEQUE? Does Syed not realise that (if he's got any sense) the guy'll go and put a 'stop' on it the moment he's got the stuff in his hands?
As for the amount: there's NO WAY that neatly-stacked lockup held thirteen thousand pounds' worth of stuff, and in 'real life' the products would have been stacked floor-to-ceiling in boxes, NOT neatly merchandised on shelves (!)
The Event of the year …
Stupid: as is this 'curry courtship' he's having. Can you seriously tell me that someone who's been through what Syed has – and is about to get married – would go and have a dalliance with Danny? If he's going to have an affair it should be with Michael, who admitted to Roxy this week that he was gay. (Ok, I know he was joking, but I just found it amusing – after my comments in last week's post!)
Syed and Christian have gone from hiring the cast of Glee and a reception to rival Elton and David's to … the Argee Bhajee. Ah yes; an Indian Restaurant. The delicate fragrance of garam masala and sweaty fried onions. What better place for a wedding reception? (Still, I suppose it makes a change from the Vic), and what a shame Zainab gave all the Creepy Doctor's money to Kim and Denise or they'd have been able to hire a couple of elephants and a Bollywood cast too.
Still, at least Christian's cutting down on the cost of the food (and on the washing up) by bringing his own nan bread – and wearing it on his head.
It's not all complaints. I can't bear the weak, poorly-devised storylines but I DO enjoy good acting, and Roxy's been on top form this week in her scenes with both Michael and AJ. "Just one day in my life. I've been called a bad mother, a slapper and a filthy mess," she told Michael. (And that was only by lunchtime!)
Roxy's a great comedy character, and I'd said I wanted her behind the bar of the Vic again (albeit with Alfie). Pity the same can't be said about Amy though.
Pretty … pretty vacant
She's a pretty little thing, but has barely uttered a single word since she started on the show and mostly just stares ahead like a stunned mullet. When Roxy told her "Say bye to Daddy," I was excited to hear her speak, but … nothing. All we saw was her trundle out of the room to go and fetch her book. Bless!
Michael's going more and more bonkers by the minute. His line, "Softer in the gusset. That's an interesting phrase. It's made me feel moist and husky," (when Roxy was talking about nappies) was a bit 'unexpected' for 7.30 on a Tuesday night, and some of those rictus grins are fair putting the wind up me. I don't know what baby Scarlett must think, seeing those pearly gnashers gritted together every five minutes.
You wouldn't be smiling if you knew any better
Some Appropriate/Inappropriate Music in the Background as the line 'Breaking the rules that we're making' played behind Christian while he was talking to a 'conflicted' Syed, and there was even a bit of Inappropriate TALKING in the Background this week too.
As Roxy and AJ were 'at it' upstairs, Zee turned the volume up on the TV and we heard the words, 'As you can see, they're quite small'. Coincidence? I think not!
They managed three Grins of the Week. It's going up by one a week!
Roxy: "Thank you Jack. I'm always really grateful for your feedback."
AJ (in mock exasperation): "Gays these days."
Roxy: "They're not as gay as they used to be!"
Zainab: "You need to cherish every moment you have with each other because you never know when death might strike (!)"
Lucy (to Lauren): "I like him more than he likes me, so can we just skip to the part where you pass out and shut up?"
* Phil says he's going to throw Kat and Alfie out of the pub. Hooray! Hang on … haven't they signed a tenancy agreement, and – with his criminal record – surely Phil can't take the licence on?
* Michael told the Private Detective "If you find anything, let me know, yeah?" Er, as opposed to what? Keeping it a secret?
* Why did Masood have a day off? Isn't he supposed to be both a postman AND a teaching assistant (on gate duties) these days?
* Where does AJ get the money to spend all day drinking? He doesn't appear to have a job. He should tell Syed his secret, quick!
* They've clearly got good reception in Walford, as everyone chats away on their mobiles in the basement club R&R!
* I loved the moment where Roxy tried to grab a bit of Zainab's cake and she just pulled the plate away!
* Phil wants rid of the beach mural and is redecorating. Seeing as the only thing missing from his jungle-inspired house are a couple of monkeys, I dread to think what's coming.
'Inside Soap' Awards
EastEnders pretty-much swept the board at the Inside Soap Awards this week, but it was the fact that it got 'Best Soap' that's prompted me to add this little bit. Gobsmacked is the word I'd use to describe my reaction when I heard.
Credit where credit's due. Jean's long-overdue for an Award. Well done to Kim and Fatboy, but both characters are in danger of becoming parodies of themselves if they're continually given 'funny' lines which simply aren't funny …
It's the 'Best Soap' thing though. As you'll know if you're a regular reader of my 'Queen Vic Corner', I feel that the last two years have been the poorest ever for EastEnders, with many barely-credible, rushed and badly written storylines.
Characters have disappeared overnight and the whole thing's felt like a dog's dinner, so WHY has it won again when Emmerdale (which has had its BEST two years ever) didn't get a single, solitary Award? It's truly beyond me.
This got my mind ticking, and I quickly came up with a few more:
Stunned Mullet Award: Amy
Bottomless Pit of Money Award: AJ, Phil, Derek and Alfie share this one (because they all seem to have even more of it than Bob Diamond and Co!).
Most time off Award: Kat
Worst 'Bad Drinking from a Mug' character out of ALL the Soaps Award: Alfie
I'd have got more if I'd had the time, but how about you coming up with some for me? Send me your Award nominations (preferably by Twitter @janereynolds8, or via the comments section below) so I can use them in Wednesday's live 'Jane's Soapy Corner' show on Tellyspy!
* 'I saw you coming' is the catchphase Harry Enfield's character, Notting Hill Antiques Dealer Marcus uses to fleece stupid customers.