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Michael's scamming; Derek's scheming, and Kim's colour scheme was just about the only thing to laugh about in this week's EastEnders.
Ok, so it WAS Ian's last scene last week. "Have you killed Ian? Are you going to?" Ben asked Phil – just like someone might ask, "Have you put the rubbish out? Are you going to?"
Like I care: I've got much bigger things to worry about; like what's going to happen to Jean now that Michael's said, "What money?"
Oh, I can't bear this storyline. Poor Jean. It breaks my heart to watch, because you know that they'll all think she's gone gaga again, and I can just see next week's episodes in my mind's eye right now. All I can hope is that he gets his comeuppance, because it sends out such a bad message.
Smoke Gets Up My Nose
Smoking does too, and there's far too much smoking on EastEnders for my liking. My mum died of lung cancer from smoking, and I hate to see it – especially Cora and Max; considering that Tanya might have died of cancer recently, and how unprofessional (and dangerous) was it to see that oily cockroach Derek standing outside the Car Lot puffing away like a steam train?
If I'd been wanting a car and had seen him standing there dragging a fag then coming over to me stinking of smoke I'd have been off like a shot. He looked every inch the stereotypical dodgy car salesman …
I do like Cora though (apart from the smoking), and her status as Pat's replacement is growing by the week. "Excuse my Granddaughter. She thinks insulting someone, then saying 'joke' constitutes a sense of humour," she quipped to Derek. She's not the only one.
"Oh come on. Don't tell me you've suddenly taken a shine to crazy people?" Janine teased Michael, then (when he walked off) called out, "Oh, come on, it was a joke." It's such a 'Get out of jail' card, that, isn't it? Means you can say what you like, but if someone takes offence you just say you were joking and it doesn't count. (It's one of my dad's tricks too.)
Not a lot of jokes (apart from Derek's 'bed' hair) this week, but I always love to hear what Zainab's going to come out with, and she was on top form as she tried to appeal to Tyler's better nature over the china lions she wanted back.
Zee: "Do you know? It was only yesterday when I saw those lions staring at me, Anthony."
There were loads of her comedy expressions to enjoy this week, but it's a wonder she's got anything to laugh about – living with Tamwar and Afia. Talk about 'the happy couple'. This pair get more miserable with each passing hour. They lost out on business on Thursday too, with Derek and Alice settling on cheesy chips in the caff rather than a curry (or omelette in Alice's case).
Blimey. That girl's a cheap date. Derek's doing his doting dad bit, but the menace is never far from the surface, and it was a different character (the real Derek?), who'd been threatening our lovely Tanya up the alley not five minutes earlier.
"You don't want to listen to what that woman says, Alice," he told her. "She's demented, and she's got a really nasty streak." Woah. Pot, kettle, mate? Besides, that's SO not true; Tanya hasn't got a nasty streak. She knows something though, but what?
Kim's Pal-arse. That's one word for it
"So you're just going to sit there with your nose in a book?" Kim asked Sasha.
Kim's calling that bordello her Pal-arce. Who decorated that then, aye? The same people who did Phil's lounge and the upstairs at the Vic? It's hideous, as were the hideous tunes that Fatboy was playing at their grand opening. If that was a real place, would anybody actually stay there: seriously?
You'd walk in and run straight out again, surely? On the other hand, if Kim was welcoming me and serving me breakfast I'd force myself to stay. She cracks me up!
I couldn't hear a lot of it very well this week, but I caught a classic bit of Appropriate/Inappropriate Music in the Background when Lucy (who was starting to worry that her dad wasn't on his honeymoon), came across Ian's passport in the drawer, and the words, "Run away, run away," were blasting-out from some loud rock music she had playing.
Not a lot of Grins of the Week again, and – once again – it's down to Kim:
Sasha: "Reading. you should try it sometime."
Kim: "I read."
Sacha: "Horoscopes don't count."
Zainab: "Lucy. A polystyrene cup is what the devil drinks from."
PS Blimey. It's no-neck Lucy's* dad:
PS2 Where's Phil got that massive new car from? Has he won the Lottery or summink? He never goes to work, and has been handing out money to Ian like a broken Cashpoint machine for weeks now, and gave Janine £1000 on Tuesday, so how on earth could he afford a car like that? Credibility again …
PS4 How lovely did Janine look on Monday?
* No-neck Lucy, the Poison Dwarf was the name (probably started by Terry Wogan), that Gary Ewing's daughter Lucy (Charlene Tilton) was known as in the US TV Show Dallas.