(You can hear me talking Soaps 11.30-12.00 am every Thurs & from 4.00-5.00 pm every Fri on Swindon 105.5 FM) CLICK HERE TO LISTEN
Heather must have been on one hell of a diet before the funeral; Bianca's kids are on a junk food diet; Janine's eating for three; Lola's not even eating for one (by the look of it), and food's the last thing on Alfie's mind down in 'Derek' Square.
What's up with Ben? That photo frame's been out more than I have this year, and I was SO wishing that Andrew had spotted him kicking it into the bush and would go over and found it. Why kick it into the bush anyway? Just take it home, idiot.
He really seems to be enjoying it. He's not right in the head, you know. "You'd think there was nothing wrong. You get up, you eat your bit of breakfast, you even play with the boy. How do you do that?" Jay asked him incredulously.
"Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just evil?" he said to his Counsellor later.
Yeah. You're evil alright; now just 'do one', will you?
Oh, and don't even get me started on all that stuff in the Church, and how he managed to have his little 'episode' but not let anything slip. Ooh, yes. He IS evil … and cunning … and conniving … and I just hope Shirley works it out soon. If he gets away with this, we aren't going to be happy, you know.
Anyway: who are the Cops charging this week? Ah, yes, it's Billy. Who will it be next week: Dot?
Billy's like me: he never gets a break, and everyone treats him as if he's just a joke. He always tries to do the right thing, but sometimes does the wrong thing (or gets the blame for someone else who's done the wrong thing). He might not have committed the murder, but he's certainly 'banged to rights' over the baby stuff. Silly Billy. As if he ever could have thought he'd get away with it?
Luckily, Janine was in a good mood when she found out. "I'm not going to press charges, cos I actually quite like him. I'm just going to sack him instead," she told Michael charitably (between mouthfuls of food).
Speaking of food: what's with all the descriptions of olive oil and close-ups of the onion-chopping etc? Cookery lessons? I doubt it achieved its purpose, as Tiffany and Morgan both said they still preferred chicken nuggets, and then what did Bianca go and do? Give them toffee doughnuts for afters: great.
Janine's no better. "I've got cravings," she wailed, and spent the day on the sofa devouring pork scratchings and marshmallows. She needs some proper food inside her, and what better than 'Sausage Surprise'?
"Well, anything, probably," you're probably thinking, but at least it's made of potatoes, tomatoes and beans (don't want to speculate as to the content of the sausages!), which are all both 'real', cheap, and a lot better for B's kids than McKlucky's nuggets!
Someone who looks like she isn't eating enough is (supposedly), pregnant Lola. How many months gone is she meant to be? When she went for her scan (weeks ago now), she'd drawn that face on her rounded belly (remember?), but THIS week, her stomach was flatter than mine (actually, not a good comparison … )
THIS week, her stomach was flatter than Victoria Beckham's. I'm not sure why Billy bothered getting all that baby stuff; I reckon she's only got a bit of wind.
Trying to keep both Phil and Derek happy landed him in trouble this week, and he had Phil threatening him one minute and Derek the next.
"This is my firm and my manor," Phil warned.
He's worried, but those two are like a couple of foot-nibbling fish in comparison to the shark that's circling poor little Jean right now. Just when you start thinking Michael's a nice guy after all, he shows his evil side again, and I can't bear to watch him worming his way into her confidence. Shame on you Michael.
Ian gets a Bad Holding of a Mug Award (again), for grabbing hold of a (supposedly) red-hot mug of tea, and we had some Appropriate/Inappropriate Music in the Background with Fleetwood Mac's Don't Stop playing in the background as Michael looked gloomily at prenup sites on the laptop.
Bianca (about cooking with olive oil): "So, it's five times the price and in the end you can't even taste it?"
Derek: "I wouldn't feed that to my dog."
Roxy: "You haven't got a dog Derek."
Derek: "Billy: say 'woof woof'."
Alfie: "I just thought you'd want some free gear?"
Phil: "Pull the other one – it's got Derek hanging by the throat."
Zainab (whispers): "I love you too."
Zainab (pretending she hadn't spoken): "I didn't say anything."
Jean: "I've said too much, ain't I? I've got no 'off' switch."
PS Cracks me up to see Jay in those big headphones. We had them in the 70s!
PS3 I'm not even going to mention that Heather's coffin was only big enough to have fitted Dot, and HOW MUCH must one like that have actually cost? Who paid for that, then?
PS4 Would have been nice if they'd had the kiddies' Easter Egg hunt outdoors, perhaps?
Shirley was mortified to realise Heather was going to 'leave her' for Andrew. Fancy a romance where two women become more than friends? My novel "Just Good Friends?" tells the story of close, married neighbours Ruth and Helen, whose close friendship turns into something a whole lot more.
It's just like something you'd get in a Soap, except that nobody dies! CLICK HERE to buy it on Amazon/Kindle (and thank you SO much if you do; I really appreciate it).